


It Cries Out in the Darkest Nights and Breaks in the Morning Light

by InkgooSupernova



Series: The Winter System [11]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Autism Spectrum, Bucky Barnes has DID - Dissociative Identity Disorder, Canonical Character Death, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Domestic Avengers, Grief/Mourning, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Sexual Abuse, M/M, Minor Character Death, Misunderstandings, Multi, Non-Sexual Age Play, One Shot, Polyamory, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sam Wilson Needs a Hug, Unreliable Narrator, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:27:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23799238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InkgooSupernova/pseuds/InkgooSupernova
Summary: "It's..." Uncle Sam sighed, so deep and depressed, staring into the empty space in front of him. "It's my old friend, Riley. It's..." He had to cough to avoid another sob getting caught in his throat. "It's the anniversary of his death."Oh.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers/Sam Wilson, Riley/Sam Wilson
Series: The Winter System [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1693231
Comments: 12
Kudos: 139





	It Cries Out in the Darkest Nights and Breaks in the Morning Light

**Author's Note:**

> This story is not based on any specific personal events, unlike most of the stories in this series.
> 
> This story focuses on Jamesy trying to help Sam, who is grieving for Riley on the anniversary of his death.
> 
> Heed the tags.
> 
> The title is a line from the song 'All This and Heaven Too' by Florence and the Machines.

Uncle Sam was crying.

Jamesy heard the whimpers while he was in his room. He was busy clicking legos together in a random pattern to make whatever his brain thought of. He didn't have any specific ideas of what to make, he was just bored and thought they would be fun to work with.

He listened close, and heard another quiet sniffle from the other room. He felt scared, a ball of anxiety burrowing its way into his chest. But Uncle Sam was _crying_. They couldn't leave him all alone, not after all the times he helped them when _they_ were crying.

So he bulked up his courage, put on his best 'Brave Bucky' face, and walked out to the living room. He found Uncle Sam on the couch, curled up with his knees hugged to his chest and head tucked down. He was shaking with each little, stifled sob that left his body.

Jamesy suddenly felt a whole lot less brave.

Uncle Sam's head shot up, the fear tangible in his eyes when they locked with Jamesy's for just a moment. Jamesy couldn't help looking down when the shock of eye contact sent shivers down his spine.

"Hey," Uncle Sam sounded less afraid, wiping his nose with the back of his hand like he was pretending he wasn't just crying. "You hungry?" He tried so very hard to sound happy and not in pain.

"Y'u're cryin'." Jamesy piped up, the anxiety gripping his chest tighter as Uncle Sam's plastered-on smile fell. Was _he_ the reason he was crying? Did he do something wrong to make Uncle Sam feel bad? Was he upset from all the times Bucky and Soldier fought? Was Uncle Sam going to kick him out? Was he sad that he had to share Daddy with him? Was he angry that they couldn't play the scary grown-up games with him? _Why was he crying?_

"Oh, you heard-of course you heard that, I'm sorry," Uncle Sam swiped at his eyes, biting his lip to try and keep back another sob. "It's nothing, you don't need to worry about it. I'll go make you some lunch, yeah?"

Jamesy shook his head, carefully making his way to the couch to sit with him. Even if he was, according to their bully of a brain, most likely the reason he was upset, he still wanted to try and help. Uncle Sam _always_ helped them when they were upset.

"Wha's wrong?" Jamesy tried to think of how Uncle Sam helped them feel better. He always asked them what was wrong, how they were all feeling, and sat in a way that made it look like he wanted them to hug him, so he tried to copy that. He couldn't help the gripping fear when Uncle Sam began to speak. He was _definitely_ the reason he was upset. He _had_ to be.

"It's..." Uncle Sam sighed, so deep and depressed, staring into the empty space in front of him. "It's my old friend, Riley. It's..." He had to cough to avoid another sob getting caught in his throat. "It's the anniversary of his death."

 _Oh_.

"It's not for you to worry about, really." Uncle Sam shook his head, wiping his eyes. But Jamesy didn't want to feel like a failure for letting one of the people they loved so dearly stay hurting alone.

Jamesy didn't know what to do, so he tried opening his arms for the other. Uncle Sam looked at him, then his face fell and Jamesy felt _awful_. He did so bad he couldn't even help Uncle Sam when he was hurting he was so _useless_ and-

Uncle Sam moved slowly, pulling Jamesy into a tight, warm hug. He felt the other's tears drip onto his shirt as he carefully rested his arms around the other's back. Okay, maybe he was doing good? Maybe Uncle Sam _didn't_ hate him?

"...Wanna talk 'bou 't?" Jamesy tried to think of the ways Uncle Sam helped them feel better, hoping that maybe that would work for him too.

"It's, it's not-" Uncle Sam sighed, another sob tearing through him as he squeezed him tight. Jamesy squeaked as the air was squeezed from his lungs.

"'M sorry." Jamesy tried to apologize, thinking his noise annoyed the other. Uncle Sam sighed, turning his head to rest his cheek on his shoulder.

"Riley was, he was," Uncle Sam tried to think of the best way to explain it to him. "He was how Daddy and you guys are to me now. He was my partner and my best friend." Uncle Sam sounded so _sad_ and it made Jamesy's insides _hurt_. He thought of how much they all _loved_ Daddy and Uncle Sam, how much it would hurt them if one of them died.

The sudden, paralyzing fear caused him to accidentally hug Uncle Sam tighter.

"I-I'm sorry, this really isn't for you to worry about," Uncle Sam tried to pull away, but Jamesy didn't want to fail, didn't want to leave Uncle Sam hurting, no matter how scared and upset he suddenly felt. "C'mon, let's go-"

"Help." Jamesy was adamant, trying to rub Uncle Sam's back the way he rubbed his to make him feel better.

"Yeah, yeah I shouldn't have told you that, I'm sorry I scared you-" Uncle Sam was cut off yet again.

"No. Help. I wan'a help y'u." Jamesy all but huffed, trying so hard to be understood. He was always worse at communicating when he was upset.

"Jamesy, this is grown-up stuff, and it's in the past, you don't need to try and help me." Uncle Sam pulled away, which only lead to Jamesy burrowing into his chest. He couldn't help the scared, frustrated tears that escaped his eyes.

"Wanna help, _pl'ees_." Jamesy sounded so desperate, his voice high with intense emotions. They all had issues with putting themselves in other's shoes too much. The nice people they talked to every week called it 'hyper-empathy'.

"Okay, okay," He felt Uncle Sam wrap his arms around him, pulling him into another tight hug and resting his chin on the top of his head. "I'm sorry."

The two of them sat like that for a while, with Uncle Sam rubbing his back in a soothing circle, lost in thought.

"I loved Riley very much," Uncle Sam began, his voice wobbling with the threat of fresh tears. "Watching him fall out of the sky, it-" he whimpered, turning his head to rest his cheek on the top of Jamesy's head. "It hurt more than _anything_."

Jamesy thought of the man who died a very long time ago, how scared he always felt when Daddy was tiny and frail, knowing that at any moment he could be gone forever and there was _nothing_ he could do about it. Thinking about how Uncle Sam actually _went through_ that, watching his best friend die while being powerless to help.

 _It broke his little heart_.

"I'm sorry, I'm-" Uncle Sam sobbed, his tears dripping into Jamesy's hair. "I'm _sorry_."

Jamesy didn't think those sorries were for him.

Uncle Sam held him for a very long time, sniffling and whimpering and sobbing when the emotions got _too much_. Jamesy couldn't help the sniffles that escaped him, and that only made Uncle Sam hug him _tighter_.

The two of them jumped when the sound of the front door opening rang through the apartment.

"Hey Sam, I'm back." It was Daddy. He had to go to a debriefing earlier that morning. He sounded quiet, like he knew Uncle Sam would be sad when he walked in.

Everyone knew but _him_.

"I'm sorry it took so- _oh_." Daddy's voice fell to a quiet gasp as he saw the two, tangled together on the couch in a tight ball of emotions.

"Hey Steve," Uncle Sam cleared his throat, sniffling just a little. "It's okay, our little man helped me out." Jamesy could hear the watery smile in his voice. That made him feel a little better. He was _helpful_.

"I'm so sorry, Sam. Jamesy you shouldn't have both-" Daddy couldn't catch himself fast enough, they all _knew_ what he was going to say. Jamesy's chest tightened painfully.

He _bothered_ Uncle Sam.

He did so _bad_. He thought he was _helping_ but he was _bothering_ him. He made him feel a bajillion times _worse_ and now Daddy and Uncle Sam were gonna hate him _forever_. Jamesy made Uncle Sam feel so much worse on the day his original- and probably _better_ \- boyfriend died _right in front of him_. No wonder Uncle Sam was crying so much, he was probably remembering and missing the time he had someone _better_ than him.

Great. Now he was being _selfish_ too. He couldn't do _anything_ right.

"No, no Jamesy buddy, no, you weren't bothering me at _all_." Uncle Sam was lying through his teeth, Jamesy _knew_ he was. He _had_ to be or Daddy wouldn't have _said that_.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't- Jamesy you weren't-" Daddy was an _awful_ liar, he couldn't even make it sound _remotely_ convincing.

Jamesy tried _so hard_ to not cry. Crying was a manipulation. Uncle Sam was already so upset, he didn't need to deal with him being bad too. Crying would take the attention away from that and make Uncle Sam feel like his feelings didn't matter. Crying would make them hate him so much _more_.

But he couldn't _help it_.

"'m sorry 'm sorry I di'n' mean t' both'r y'u I wan'd t' help pl'ees don' hate m' 'm _sorry_!" He couldn't help the sudden sobs that wracked through his body, burying his face into Uncle Sam's chest. He felt the other hug him tighter and that made him feel so much _worse_. He was supposed to be helping Uncle Sam, not the other way around.

"Jamesy, I am _so sorry_ , you weren't bothering Sam, I didn't mean it like _that_." Daddy sounded desperate and that made him feel even _worse_. He was being a horrible, selfish, wicked little boy. How could _anyone_ be expected to love him?

Jamesy whimpered incoherently into Uncle Sam's chest, trying so very hard to stop his horrible, selfish, _manipulative_ crying. He was being so _bad_.

"Jamesy, buddy look at me, look here." Uncle Sam's warm hands brushed away the hair that was sticking to his face. He tried so very hard to be good, but he just couldn't look up to him, not while he was being so _horrible_.

"You weren't bothering me at _all_ , you helped me a lot, and I'm so very proud of you for it." Uncle Sam pressed a soft kiss to his hair, and it made him feel so much worse because he didn't _deserve it_. "I'm very grateful that you helped me, this is just something very painful for me. Thank you for being there for me." Uncle Sam pulled him into a tighter hug, and Jamesy could tell that Daddy was close to the couch now.

Daddy was probably so _mad_ that Uncle Sam was being nice to him after he was so _manipulative_ and _awful_.

Instead, Daddy pulled them both into a tight hug, tucking his head into Uncle Sam's shoulder.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that, you did very good for trying to help." Daddy sounded less convincing than Uncle Sam. Jamesy sighed.

"'m sorry f' cryin' an ruinin' ev'rythin'..." Jamesy whimpered, before being squeezed just a little tighter.

"You didn't ruin _anything_ ," Uncle Sam sounded so sure, even with how wobbly and grief-stricken his voice sounded. "You saw that I was hurting, and you wanted to help. You did _good_. Thank you for being there for me."

Jamesy didn't say anything else, just snuggling back into his chest as the two men hugged him tight. He could feel Uncle Sam's quiet sobs as he leaned into Daddy's chest. He could also hear Daddy's sniffles as he pulled both of them tighter against him.

So there they were, a big ball of emotions sitting on the couch, clinging to each other for dear life as if they were stranded at sea. They all sat there, holding each other close for a very, _very_ long time.

Jamesy didn't remember dozing off, but he was suddenly awoken by Daddy shaking his shoulder gently.

"Hey, lamb," Daddy sounded quiet, and it was very dark outside. He must have been asleep for a while. "Lets get you ready for bed, yeah?"

Jamesy looked up, seeing that Uncle Sam was also asleep. They must have all cried themselves to sleep. He reached up and gently shook Uncle Sam's shoulder, watching as his eyes blinked rapidly from the sudden awakening.

"Hm? Oh, sorry, must've passed out..." Uncle Sam yawned, rubbing his eyes.

"Yeah, I think we all did," Daddy hummed, pressing a kiss to Uncle Sam's forehead. "It's been a long day, why don't we get to bed, yeah?"

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea." Uncle Sam sighed, letting go of Jamesy to stretch his arms high above his head. Daddy let him wrap his arms around his neck and lifted him off the couch, holding his close with one arm while using the other to help Uncle Sam off the couch.

"You go ahead and get him ready, I need a minute alone." Uncle Sam smiled at the two of them. It didn't look fake, just very tired and weighed down, like how all of them felt.

"Of course, we'll be in the room when you're ready." Daddy hummed, carrying him to the bathroom.

After at least an hour and a half of taking care of his business, getting a warm bath, combing his hair, brushing his teeth, and slipping into his comfy pajamas, Jamesy and Daddy were finally in the large bed together, waiting for Uncle Sam to come back.

"Hey, Jamesy?" Daddy cleared his throat, looking rather sheepish. "I'm really sorry about what I said earlier. It was very kind of you to help Uncle Sam when he was sad. Today is a very hard day for him..." Daddy sighed.

"'S okay." Jamesy didn't know what else to say, so he left it at that.

A few minutes later, Uncle Sam stepped into the room, dressed in a comfy looking tank top and grey sweatpants. He sighed as he slipped into the bed with them, opening his arms for Jamesy to snuggle against his chest. Daddy hummed and curled up behind him, leaving enough space to where he didn't feel scared.

"No story tonight?" Uncle Sam asked, looking down to the tired boy on his chest.

"Uh uh, sleepy..." Jamesy yawned, nuzzling the other's warm chest. They were all very tired from the rather exhausting day.

Uncle Sam hummed and rubbed his back, whispering something that sounded like a 'thank you' under his breath.

Jamesy didn't think that was for them.

**Author's Note:**

> **Brief Explanations:**
> 
> In this story, Jamesy attempts to help Sam, who is grieving the loss of his best friend and previous love, Riley. Sam is reluctant to let Jamesy help becaue he has the mental capacity of a four year old, and worries that deeply emotional topics such as death and grief would be harmful to him. Jamesy, however, is adamant about helping because he loves Sam and wants to help him the way he always helps them.
> 
> Like some people on the Autism Spectrum, Bucky and the rest of the Winter System experience 'hyper-empathy', the opposite of apathy where the person experiences high levels of empathy, nearly constantly thinking of how others feel and putting themselves in the other's shoes. This also leads to accidentally assuming what others are thinking going by their own feelings and how they see themselves.
> 
> These are based on **personal experiences** and are not a scientific basis or professional explaination for either DID systems or Autism Spectrum Neurodivergency. No two people, let alone no two systems, are exactly the same.
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated!


End file.
